Antarctica: it's cooler than you.
No, really, it is. It can get to -80 degrees there, and even the absolute maximum temperature on the coast in summer is about 15 degrees; you on the other hand need to stay at around 36-37 degrees to be AOK. You might conceivably be a bit cold while trying to read this, but if you're down even as far as low as 30 degrees you'll be too busy with paradoxical undressing and terminal burrowing to pay attention to this sentence. So really, Antarctica at its very warmest is at least 15 degrees cooler than you than you at your coolest - just trust me, I've run the numbers on this one, and you can't fight it.
Some people kick your arse at staying warm in cold temperatures though, and by people, I mean animals. And by animals, I mean animals and birds. Antarctica is in fact home to 68,000 different species of penguin, including the Chinstrap Penguin, the Gentoo Penguin, the Rockhopper Penguin, the Emperor Penguin, and the Darth Vader Penguin. Only one of those is made up.
|(It was the Gentoo Penguin, obviously.)|
Unlike other continents, which are made up of stuff like rocks and plants and people and concrete and Denny's family restuarants, Antarctica is composed entirely of scenery:
There's even more of it than this, rest assured, but because of the Antarctic Pictures Treaty of 1964, I'm not legally allowed to show it to you unless it has some kind of ice archway in it. Antarctica's scenery is superior to scenery elsewhere in the world, because if you're in Antarctica and your drink is a bit warm, you merely need to extend your arm slightly and chip off some bits of the nearest scenery into your glass. Try that in the Sahara and you'll end up with a Coke full of sand, and nobody wants that.
Being the cool land that it is, Antarctica will only associate with cool people. For thousands of years, Antarctica was so cool that nobody and nothing else was nearly cool enough to come anywhere freaking near it. Eventually though Antarctica took pity on us in our uncoolness and decided to let someone approach. Antarctica still had standards though, and that is why the first person to even (officially) see it had to have the unreasonably cool name of Fabian Gottlieb von Bellinghausen.
|Do you think Estonia makes a habit of putting any old fool on its stamps? Because let me tell you my friend, it doesn't.|
Shackleton endured a couple of trips to Antarctica well aware that the other explorers were laughing behind his back at his insufficiently cool name. On the third trip he finally snapped and decided he would do something so cool that no-one could ever mock him for being called Ernie again, so he got himself trapped in his icebound ship for 8 months, watched it sink when it finally got free, set up camp with his men on a floating ice floe (which they lived on for 2 months), made landfall on a frozen rock in the middle of nowhere called Elephant Island, (setting foot on land for the first time in 497 days), and then promptly set out to sea again with 3 of his men to successfully sail a piddly little rowboat 1500km through a Southern Ocean hurricane to South Georgia, in order to fetch help from the whaling station there. This was pretty cool by anyone's measure, but just to really nail it home, he landed on the opposite side of South Georgia to the whaling station and walked for 36 hours straight along a previously unexplored route over a freaking mountain range in order to get to the station. Then he (eventually) got back to Elephant Island and rescued every single one of his men.
|"Well guys, what an awesome time it's been these last 20 months, am I right?"|
"Shut the hell up, Bob."
|...and you better believe that the penguins came from miles around to feast on his corpse. Oh yes.|
...OK, I concede that it may actually be possible that you'll see this one, but you won't see this one:
|The 68-year-old Bulgarian said: "My cow has never done such a thing before. Worst of all - even my donkey collapsed afterwards on the ground. I am sure it was laughing at me."|
Ohhhhh, that explains that then.
So Antarctica, it's