Rejected!

As promised, here is my (untitled) play as submitted that failed to get into Threesome this year. I wrote the end in 5 minutes flat and thus it wasn't entirely satisfactory and is kind of abrupt and strange (mind you one of the the other ideas for the end I had was this weird taking the piss out of postmodernism breaking the fourth wall sort of ending) but otherwise it was pretty much how I wanted it. I suspect that this makes it less of a play, and more of a series of (occasionally obscure and nerdy) jokes on stage, but oh well.

"My spoon is too big."
"I am a banana!"

Onwards!

Scene 1: the lounge room of a typical student flat. A slovenly student-type (JOSH) is sprawled on a couch watching T.V (which faces away from the audience) next to a small table with a phone on it, in a zombie-esque fashion.

BBC ANNOUNCER (VO): You’re with the BBC World Service. Full news and weather on the hour, but coming up next: nuns. What are they for?

A puzzled look comes over JOSH’S face and he raises the remote and changes channel. The T.V noise turns to the sort of music that you might find on C4 late nights playing over 0900 phone line ads. A vacant grin comes over Josh’s face.

From off stage his pajama-clad flatmate EMMA enters, bleary-eyed.

EMMA: Josh, what the hell are you doing? Do you know what the time is?

JOSH: Watching this. It’s very important.

EMMA: (noticing what is on the T.V, and reading:) ‘Horny English chicks need to relieve your stress right now’? That’s not important!

JOSH: Of course it is! You’re just not paying proper attention, Emma. It says they need to relieve my stress, right now. Clearly it’s a matter of some urgency.

EMMA: But you don’t have any stress!

JOSH: True, but they’re in England, they don’t know that.

EMMA wrests the remote from Josh and turns of the television, silencing the music, and throws the remote onto the couch.

EMMA: Look Josh, I’m worried about you. It’s been 5 weeks since you got your thesis mark back, and you haven’t done anything! I can understand taking it easy for a while, but you’ve hardly even moved from that couch! You can’t even be bothered going to bed!

JOSH: (defensively) I’m in a transitional phase.

EMMA: Well if it’s the transition from man to three-toed sloth, it’s progressing rapidly. You need to take action!

JOSH: Well, what are you supposed to do after uni?

EMMA: (with a ‘duh’ look at him) Get a job?

JOSH: Oh yeah.

EMMA: Need I remind you how far behind you are on expenses? And you don’t think WINZ will leave you alone while you just keep happily claiming the dole forever, do you?

JOSH: Easy for you to say, Miss Student Allowance – and it’s called the Unemployment Benefit, thank you very much. And they aren’t anyway.

EMMA: What do you mean?

JOSH: I mean they aren’t leaving me alone. Starting tomorrow I have to go on this Work Track course thing for two weeks. In fact I should probably go to bed. I have to get up…(he looks at his watch) …in 28 minutes. (he frowns)

EMMA: Ha! Serves you right for being such a slacker…(to herself)…such a good-looking slacker…(a thought has occurred to her. She approaches him seductively behind the couch) So…what do you think you’ll so with your 28 minutes?

JOSH completely fails to register EMMA’s intentions. He picks up the remote and turns on the TV, staring at it.

JOSH: I think I’ll watch this BBC thing about nuns.

EMMA: (incredulously): Nuns?

JOSH: Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow evening I guess – I cooked yesterday, right? (during these lines, EMMA is flicking her hair about, undoing her top button, etc etc. However JOSH fails to look up from the T.V) And the day before. And you’ve got that recipe you’ve been wanting to try, right?....right?

EMMA: (finally): So?

JOSH: (as if this is obvious): So it’s your turn to make dinner, Emma! (EMMA storms off back to her bedroom in exasperation. Josh returns his attention to the TV and shakes his head to himself.) Boy, can she not take a hint.

BLACKOUT

Scene 2: The WINZ Work Track office, a couple of days later. At a long table with a number of chairs, a woman in business attire, TRUDY, the Work Track course teacher, sits at the head of the table shuffling papers. JOSH arrives early for the second day of the course.

TRUDY: (enthusiastically) Josh, good to see you again! Tell me the good news – you’ve come in to tell me you won’t be coming in anymore, because you’ve got yourself a job!

JOSH: No.

TRUDY: (after a pause, undeterred and slightly menacing): How about now?

JOSH: (taken aback somewhat) Er, no.

TRUDY: (brightly again, as if nothing weird just happened) Well don’t worry, it’ll happen for you! Now that we’ve had the introductory session, we’re going to move on to job ‘targeting’ (she pronounces the speech marks) in today’s session. Ah, here’s the others now. (JOSH takes a seat. A number of gender-optional characters who for the moment I’ve called STACEY, LUCY, and SARAH file in with YURI (male) and sit down at the table.) Welcome everyone, welcome, to the second session of Work Track, and welcome especially to Yuri who’s new, and will be joining us from now on. We’ll learn a little bit more about you later on, Yuri. Well now that we’ve learned a little about each other, watched the introductory video with Stacey Daniels, and drawn those pictures of pigs that revealed fundamental truths about our personalities, today we’re going to make what’s known as a ‘job target’ list (she pronounces the speech marks every time). We’re going to talk about realistic job goals, or ‘targets’, that we can set for ourselves based on our qualifications and interests. I’m going to draw up a ‘target list’ and record everyone’s personal job ‘targets’ so that throughout the course we can keep track of who’s ‘shooting straight’, so to speak! (she gives a little laugh which SARAH joins in with, obsequiously).

JOSH: (to himself) Oh my God…

TRUDY: All right then, we’ll kick things off with Stacey. (she consults her information) Stacey, you’ve just been expelled from school for the 7th and final time. So now that there isn’t a high school in the country that’s willing to take you, what are you looking at now?

STACEY: Well, I thought I could be like a film star, cos that seems like a pretty good job. Either a film star or like a tow-truck driver / beautician (as appropriate), cos my cousin does that. Or a mugger.

TRUDY: A mugger?

STACEY: Yeah, cos like old ladies have got heaps of money, eh? And most of ‘em hardly ever fight back much. So I reckon if I went full time I could clean up. (silence in the class)

TRUDY: (eventually) All right then dear, I’ll just put down tow-truck driver / beautician and actor then, shall I (she writes them down on her target list) Now then, Lucy. It says here you have a B.A in American Studies, is that right?

LUCY: (brightly) Yes, that’s right.

TRUDY: (coldly) WINZ cannot help you. Get out. (Lucy bows her head, stands up and slouches dejectedly offstage. Trudy waits for her to go and then continues) All right then Sarah. What are you interested in doing?

SARAH: Well the key thing obviously is to stop being a burden on our proud nation’s government as soon as possible, so whatever’s going really.

TRUDY: That’s the attitude, dear! Well, Christchurch always has a lot of vacancies for hairdressers and forklift operators. How do they sound?

SARAH: Either sounds just peachy! (TRUDY records ‘hairdresser’ and ‘forklift operator’ on her list)

JOSH: (to SARAH) I thought you had a Ph. D in Microbiology?

SARAH: Well yes, but I can’t be waiting around on a benefit forever for a slightly qualification related opportunity to come up, not as a drain on the honest tax-payer!

JOSH: Are you an ACT voter, by any chance?

TRUDY: (interrupting, before this exchange can go any further) OK Josh, let’s hear some ‘targets’ from you.

JOSH: Um, OK, well I’m thinking something like editing, or maybe copy writing or advertising.

TRUDY: (tut-tutting) Ooo, I don’t know Josh, those are hard jobs to get, and there aren’t many of them in Christchurch. What about something more realistic?

JOSH: Er, OK, I guess it would be pretty cool to work in a good bookstore.

TRUDY: You’ve got an M.A, Josh! You don’t want to work in a bookstore!

JOSH: I don’t?

TRUDY: Nooooo! Tell you what, for the moment I’ll just put ‘call centre operator’ down for you, shall I? (she writes it down. JOSH looks nonplussed) Now, I’d like to welcome Yuri to the class again. Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself Yuri, and some of your possible job ‘targets’?

YURI: (Yuri speaks in a heavy, clichéd Russian-type accent) Well, when young, Yuri studies abroad at University of Vladivostok, taking double degree in aquiculture and commerce. Following education, Yuri returned to Mother Country - to make contribution, you know? So is eventually is gaining employment with large ocean fishing company. Over several years Yuri rises through the ranks, until, in end, I is managing several large boats, and was overseeing 5 or 600 comrade employees – all is fine for a time, and then came...uh…pogrom, you have this word pogrom, yes? So, following pogrom, many changes in Mother Country. Yuri is head of union and fights for rights of workers - some are threatened by regime, Yuri helps them to escape to new lives – long story short, authorities have found this out, which is danger to all of our lives. Yuri and his family must flee, luckily sister-in-law at Ministry is arranging places on cargo ship coming to New Zealand – chance for new life for Yuri’s family, bring babies up as kiwis in your beautiful country – go All Blacks, yes? – however, en route, ship boarded by pirates, and our belongings taken, so arriving here destitute, allowed in as refugees – family now staying with Salvation Army, 5 children in small room. Journey is very hard – Yuri’s wife now very sick, and drugs expensive. So long story short again, Yuri is now seeking position in marine fishery management, or marine-fishery-management-related area.

There is a pregnant pause while everybody looks awe-struck across to YURI.

TRUDY: OK then, so... (she writes them down) taxi driver or service station attendant.

There is another pregnant pause while everybody looks gobsmacked across to TRUDY.

TRUDY: (without looking up from her papers, quietly and rapidly): How about now?

JOSH: (cutting her off): NO!

BLACKOUT

Scene 3: The lights come up on Josh in the flat, reading the situations vacant section of the paper, drinking a beer and surrounded by several empties. He does not look too happy about things. EMMA enters.

EMMA: Josh, what is with that huge pile of envelopes in the hallway?

JOSH: (he is slightly drunk, at least) Those are my collected rejection letters.

EMMA: They’re blocking the bathroom door!

JOSH: True. But it is kind of fun to run down the hall and jump into them head first. (He sighs. EMMA sits next to him on the couch)

EMMA: Look Josh, you’re gonna get a good job. You just have to keep trying.

JOSH: (frustrated) There are no good jobs! Don’t you see? Trudy was right! (He indicates the situations vacant). It’s all hairdressers, forklift drivers, chefs, accountants and lawyers! It's the Christchurch system of busness! All that happens in this town is that people cut the hair of forklift drivers, and a few accountants keep the financial records of the the hair salons, and lawyers keep the accountants on the straight and narrow! Why didn’t I do law!

EMMA: I didn’t know there were that many law jobs going.

JOSH: Well apparently every damned café in Christchurch needs one.

EMMA: What? Let me see that. (she takes a look at the paper) Josh, they want baristas, not barristers. I think you might have had a few too many. Here, let me see what I can find for you. (she takes the paper from him.) All right, let’s see…what about this? ‘Are you an expert on paint, its mixing and its application?’

JOSH: No, no and…the application of paint? Er, painting stuff? Changing something from one colour to another?

EMMA: I don’t think that’s what they’re getting at, somehow. What about this one: ‘people wanted for task, no experience necessary, no questions asked, must be physically fit and an organ donor.’ Hmmm, perhaps not. What about ‘proven sales leader wanted to wrangle our team of underwear experts in Hornby?’

JOSH: No.

EMMA: Aerobics instructor?

JOSH: No.

EMMA: Tunnel support?

JOSH: No.

EMMA: ‘Financial innovator’?

JOSH: (considering this) Oh please, wank me a river. Go back to the tunnel support one.

EMMA: Wait on, here’s something where you can apparently earn six hundred dollars a shift! (JOSH looks interested) Oh, wait, looks like you have to be a woman. (Josh slumps back again). Look Josh, I know it seems tough, but you’ll get there! You have lots of qualities that any employer would value.

JOSH: Like what?

EMMA: (snuggling up to him) Intelligence, creativity - you’re kind-hearted, you look good in a suit - (getting dreamy-eyed) you make me laugh…

JOSH: (failing to pick up on what’s going on again) Yeah, but you have to say that because you’re my friend.

EMMA: (unbelieving, sliding back along the couch) …and of course perception. How could I forget just how perceptive you are?

JOSH: Let’s face it, I’m unemployable.

EMMA: No, you’re not! And there’s always the dole until you find the right opportunity.

JOSH: Um, yes. About that.

EMMA: What?

JOSH: I’m not sort of, you know, on the dole anymore.

EMMA: What?

JOSH: I may have, ah, accidentally told my Work Track teacher that she was an unholy hell-spawned vessel of pure evil.

EMMA: You what?

JOSH: It didn’t do it lightly! It was only because she is one.

EMMA: So you have…

JOSH: No income, yes.

EMMA: And the rent is due…

JOSH: Next Thursday, yeah.

EMMA: (taking a deep breath) It’s OK, we can fix this.

JOSH: Um, I don’t think so. I made the sign of the cross and yelled ‘Avaunt thee, Satan!’ at her.

EMMA: No, we can fix it by getting you a job before Thursday! Have you got any outstanding applications?

JOSH: Well, a couple, but I fully expect those to just add to the pile in the hall shortly. I’m either overqualified or under-experienced. I live in the job twilight zone, becalmed in the uncertain waters of unemployment, my sails hanging limp as I wait for the never-arriving knock of opportunity on the door of my impenetrable prison of pecuniary paucity…

EMMA slaps him.

EMMA: Snap out of it! You’re an English graduate. You’re better than mixed metaphors.

JOSH: (mumbling) Sorry.

EMMA: Alliteration was good though. (She smiles at him, encouragingly. JOSH notices. The vague beginnings of having a clue stir within him. He is looking at her in a new way. They stare at each other for a few seconds, moving closer, and then...the phone rings. JOSH snaps out of the moment, and picks it up. EMMA is frustrated yet again.)

JOSH: Hello? Yes, speaking. You did…fine, fine…wait, you would? Monday? Sure, what time? 2:30? Great! (he puts down the phone. He stands up excitedly. To EMMA:) I have a job interview! (he thinks about it for two seconds, and then slumps back onto the couch in panic) This is terrible!

EMMA: What do you mean?

JOSH: It has been scientifically proven that I am the world’s worst interviewee.

EMMA: It’s OK, you just need to relax and be honest.

JOSH: Last time I had one I was broken down by the psychological questioning and ended up providing a list of points to the guy as to why he shouldn’t employ me!

EMMA: OK, that’s perhaps too honest. Look, everyone knows that everybody smoothes out and embellishes their C.Vs and answers at interviews with little white lies to make themselves look more impressive to an employer.

JOSH: So they say…but whenever I have to make something up like that I tend to panic and insert the job histories of Star Wars characters.

EMMA: Excuse me?

JOSH: It’s true! Once at an interview for this government job I went for after Honours, this woman asked me if I had much experience in the political arena, and I freaked out, and told her that at that very moment I was on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan! She saw right through me.

EMMA: (sarcasm personified:) Surely not.

JOSH: Yes! And I haven’t got half the experience they asked for in this job, especially with the technical side of things. I’m doomed!

EMMA: Josh, you just need to be honest about your strengths and, try to cover up your weaknesses without references to overrated space opera.

JOSH: (savagely incredulous) Overrated?

EMMA: (sighs) Fine, Star Wars is the best thing ever. Look, you need to get your mind of this and relax for a second. All the postgrads from my department are meeting down at the Foundry, you wanna come?

JOSH: No, I spent all but 3 dollars of my money on this beer – I think I’ll just stay here and do this for a while. (He draws his knees up under his hands on the couch and begins to rock slowly back and forth, ‘Rain Man’ style.)

EMMA: OK, suit yourself. I’ll see you later. Hang in there, OK? (She pats him on the head and leaves. JOSH remains on the couch slowly rocking back and forth with a haunted look in his eyes until…)

BLACKOUT

Scene 4: a corporate office, consisting of the same desk as Scene 2, but with just 2 chairs facing each other, possibly a pot plant and desk planner on it, etc.. As the lights come up we see seated at the desk the suited INTERVIEWER with briefcase etc. and JOSH, who has tarted himself up somewhat for his interview. The interview is halfway through. As it goes on the INTERVIEWER takes notes occasionally.

INTERVIEWER: Well Josh, your references gave us a glowing picture of you. Your employer at your previous job, Miss Pearson is it?

JOSH: Er, Emma, yes.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, well Emma had great things to say about all the wonderful things you achieved with those war orphans. We were very impressed. It seems your written and verbal communication skills are excellent as well, it’s looking very good for you. So in this next stage of the interview I’m just going to ask you a few more questions to see how you might fit in here, all right?

JOSH (nervous): OK

INTERVIEWER: Well, for a kick off then, what do you think your worst enemy might say about you?

JOSH: (Thinking) Um, well, she’s probably say I was afraid to commit, and that there was no way I was getting my Coldplay CD back.

The INTERVIEWER looks briefly confused.

INTERVIEWER: Haha, ah, a joke, very good, we don’t really have time for a lot of humour around here. No, what I meant Josh was: what would you consider your worst qualities?

JOSH: Ah, I see. Well, I tend to procrastinate…(the INTERVIEWER looks sharply up from his/her notes at him, which JOSH notices)…at putting things off. Uh, yes, I’m always putting my desperately needed leisure time to one side to commit myself better to work…in fact some have labeled me a workaholic. It’s a curse, really.

INTERVIEWER (pleased, writing it down): Really? Interesting. Anything else you’d like to add?

JOSH: Well I have been accused of being far too efficient. And sensible. Some of my more disreputable friends are always saying ‘You’re too reliable, Josh! Why not skip work and come to the pub with us!’ But unfortunately, I seem to always be stopped by this nagging sense of responsibility. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more fun-loving and care-free, but you are what you are, right?

INTERVIEWER: Exactly! There’s no fighting your own nature, or indeed the crushing weight that is the all-consuming monotony of corporate culture, that’s what I like to say. So tell me Josh, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

JOSH: Well, I’d like to travel…(another sharp glance from the INTERVIEWER) …er, along the path to middle management as fast as I can, so I hope in 5 years I’ll have my own office in this very building!

INTERVIEWER: Good, good! Now Josh, as you’re probably aware by now, we operate the THX-1138 system here at the office, and it’s very important to the position. So, can you tell me a bit about your professional experience with such technology?

JOSH: (nervously casting about the room): Um…I, ah…that is to say, um, that my first job was programming binary load lifters, very similar to your system in many respects. (He inwardly curses himself. However, the INTERVIEWER has failed to pick up on the fact that he is quoting C3PO.)

INTERVIEWER: Very good! And can you tell me a problem you encountered working with these load lifters, and how you overcame it?

JOSH: Um, well, on one particular occasion, the…the, uh hyper drive wasn’t working. (he cringes)

INTERVIEWER: The hyper drive?

JOSH: Uh, yes, very new, very modern technology, saves all that messing around with disk drives and hard drives.

INTERVIEWER I see. You might have to oversee an upgrade for us. Please go on!

JOSH: (Unable to believe his luck, but warming up to it now) Yes…so anyway, they got me to talk to the Falcon…

INTERVIEWER: The Falcon?

JOSH: Ah, yeah, that was sort of the nickname of our technician, we called him the Falcon because nothing ever got by him, you see…(laughs weakly)…anyway, I talked to the Falcon, and he revealed that the power coupling on the negative access had been polarized.

INTERVIEWER: Sounds serious!

JOSH: Oh, it was! It required immediate replacement. So I recommended replacement parts, and eventually made sure we got them from, er, Cloud City.

INTERVIEWER: Cloud City?

JOSH: Yes, it’s a chain of specialist computer parts stores based in the United States.

INTERVIEWER: (impressed): Very good Josh! (Josh leans back in his chair, relaxing now that the ordeal is over) You sound like exactly the kind of man we need in this organization. Are there any other special skills you bring to the job?

JOSH: Yup, I’m fluent in over six million forms of communication.

INTERVIEWER: What?

JOSH: Did I say six million? I meant six. I’m fluent in six forms of communication.

INTERVIEWER: (Eyeing him suspiciously now) OK, and anything else you’d like to add? (JOSH leans back, clearly relieved to have dodged this latest bullet, his brain now on autopilot)

JOSH: (going with the flow) Yup, I work well with alien cultures, I’m fully clued up on protocol, and I’ve got no problem working closely with a partner. In fact in my last position I had a partner who I worked with almost exclusively for very long periods.

INTERVIEWER: And in case we want to contact him in reference to your application, his name is?

JOSH: (automatically) R2D2. (A double take as he realizes what he’s just said. The jig is now up. A silence as he looks at the interviewer, and it’s clear he’s been rumbled, but he tries anyway:) Er…would you believe I said: Arthur De Tout?

INTERVIEWER: (eventually) You’ve in fact been recounting the job history of that gay robot from 'Star Wars' to me this whole time, haven’t you?

JOSH: He's not gay! Er, and in my defence, not the whole time…(a long silence) I’ll just see myself out, then.

INTERVIEWER: I think that would be best.

BLACKOUT

Scene 5: the flat. EMMA is watching TV.

EMMA: (to T.V): Oh yeah, those are fake. (JOSH enters. EMMA turns off the T.V as JOSH sits down on the couch) Sooo - how did it go?

JOSH: I don’t think I’m gonna get it.

EMMA: Come on, have some optimism man! I’m sure you were great. And that reference I gave you! I told them you had made the short list of candidates for the next Secretary General of the U.N - and they bought it! You’ll be sweet as.

JOSH: Noooo, I really don’t think I’m gonna get it.

EMMA: Oh no. What did you do, Josh?

JOSH: Nothing!

EMMA: Josh!

JOSH: OK, well I may have (reluctantly mumbling quietly to himself inaudibly) mmmrm mmrmrmrm mmmrmm C3PO.

EMMA: What?

JOSH: (a bit more audibly, so the audience can snatch fragments of it): I embellished my own job history with that of C3PO.

EMMA: What did you say?

JOSH (bursting out): I stole C3PO’s curriculum vitae, all right?

EMMA: (disgusted) Oh no, Josh, not the gay robot?

JOSH (taking exception): Hey! C3PO is not gay! He’s just….extremely effete.

EMMA: Whether or not he’s gay really isn’t the point, Josh.

JOSH: I’m sorry! I freaked out! I couldn’t think of any of my own lies! I’m a bad embellisher, do you hear me! No embellisher I! I deride my own embellishing capabilities!

EMMA: Oh Josh, you’re just too honest. It’s one of the things I love about you.

JOSH: What?

EMMA: (She has decided what the hell, let’s go for it soap opera style) Yes. Even though you frustrate me. Even though you could get a good job if you really put your mind to it and stopped sabotaging yourself. Even though you’re sometimes lazy and pessimistic and you’re not properly over your last girlfriend. And even though I’ve been here staring you in the face for the past 9 months and you’ve somehow completely been oblivious to my true feelings. Despite of all this – well despite all of this, I’m going to do this anyway.

(lights down on stage except for a spot on the couch where EMMA reaches across to kiss a literally gob-smacked JOSH. While she does so the song ‘ I Don’t Know Why I Love You But I Do’ strikes up from the wings, and remains playing until the end of the play, with the volume turned down when the dialogue starts. The corn meter is set to 11 from here on in.)

JOSH: Oh my God! Emma! All this time!

EMMA: Where is that music coming from?

JOSH: Never mind that. You’ve opened my eyes! I realize now that I’ve been blind. I love you too, Emma.

EMMA: You can’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.

JOSH: I’m sorry, I’ve been so stupid. But now we can begin our lives together. But what about the rent? I still haven’t found a job.

EMMA: Don’t worry Josh, we’ll struggle through on my meager student allowance until you find something you truly want to do.

JOSH: Oh my darling, truly you are as wise as Yoda and as beautiful as Princess Leia. But I was just toying with you, there will be no need for us to scrimp and struggle, certainly not in the short-to-medium term. For you see on the way home I bought this Instant Kiwi ticket with my last 3 bucks (he takes it out of his pocket), and I have won 50,000 dollars.

EMMA: That’s certainly convenient!

JOSH: Yes, and you think I would have mentioned it earlier.

EMMA: Never mind. Kiss me again, rich boy.

They do. The spot fades to…

BLACKOUT

THE END