Arrrr! Sailing on the good ship Unemployment

Bloggy blog blog. Haven't really been going near computers too much of late, not in a writing capacity at least. As you can see, I started this a while ago, but haven't got around to actually polishing it off. Not much to say at the moment, really. As has been noted by now though, I have submitted a thesis. So what am I doing now and how do I feel about it?

Well, first of all, I am very relieved. The thing was weighing on me (if you'll allow me to slip into about 5th form era lexicon to complete this sentence) something chronic. I needed to get it out of the way for the sake of my mental health if for no other reason. So get it out of the way I have done, and that is good. Mostly I get to not think about my thesis at all at the moment and that is nice.

However this niceness is ruined a bit by the fact that every time I do happen to think about it, I convince myself more and more of what a piece of crap it in fact is. There was a good deal more of the 'last minute' air about it then is desirable, and I can't help but think that it's this aspect that's going to shine out like a big, ugly, barely proof-read, incorrectly page numbered (maybe), scantily researched, (in parts), improperly referenced, (definitely) beacon. So while it's nice to have handed something in, my trade-off for some instant relief from the thing seems to be it might actually fail, and that's two years and 7,000 dollars down the gurgler like that. This decision, between being rid of the damned thing (and those with theses ongoing or finished will know all too well their tendency to attach themselves like an ugly homunculus to your back, sucking merrily away on your spinal fluids) and getting on with life, or doing more work and paying more money, but having more security that all the effort won't have been wasted, ended up having to be made in about 10 minutes in the early afternoon of the day it was due in, with me having had no sleep the previous night. It was not a particularly pleasant 10 minutes.

No, in fact what I pretty much felt like doing during these 10 minutes was curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth muttering, until the men in white coats came to take me away from it all and put me in a nice padded cell. But I think that at decision time, having perhaps subconsciously recognised the fact that if my deadline were shifted back again, I might actually end up in a clock tower with a rifle, I think I made the right decision to get the goddamned thing done. So largely I am OK with things. I just have the occasional nagging doubt that the people marking the thesis may disagree with my decision rather vehemently. I don't mind having to fix it up a lot, in fact I count on having to do so, but I think I must be pretty close to the line drawn between returning comments of "quite a bit of work to be done before resubmission, but OK" and "useless piece of tripe that we threw into the university boiler, oh and incidentally no M.A for you." It's a bit of a vexation. So I'm a bit vexed. But mostly I back myself to have written something at least a little bit worthwhile. I'm not always one to back myself at, well, anything really, so here's hoping it doesn't blow up spectacularly in my face on this occasion, and I am subsequently forced to withdraw from society completely and go and become a hermit in a cabin in Alaska, or perhaps a reclusive and deformed bell-ringer in a big church somewhere (got the skin condition going on already). That would not be good. Although in the Alaskan scenario at least I would inevitably have my own army of trained squirrels, and that could be kind of cool.

Apart from this nagging doubt that only very occasionally leads to visions of me standing in the spire, shaking my fists at the mob with the flaming torches gathered at the cathedral doors, it is good to be post-thesis. Good good good. I have been living the lifestyle of the slack and going to the occasional play practice and generally lounging about and it has been fine. But let down slightly by a lack of money. So today (being the 27th, when I am actually getting back to this post, after Fi's computer ate my last attempt at finishing it) it was off to the dole - er, sorry, Community Wage - office.

Considering the hoops they make you jump through to even get to the point where you can actually apply for the thing these days, the actual interview process was relatively painless, although I was slightly concerned to see 'Call Centre Operator' entered into just about every blank field possible in my skills assessment thingy. Hmmm. Other than that, they start paying me in a couple of days (which I didn't expect), back-pay me a couple of weeks (which I didn't expect) and basically cut me loose without hassles to try and get my own job for the next 2 months (which I didn't expect). Some of you may have read Tim's account of the seminar they make you sit through before they are prepared to give you the forms to fill in, which I also had to go to. Well in that, with the cunning use of OHPs, they made getting the dole sound like a tortuous process. That to even find the forms, you would need to solve a series of clues, each more fiendish than the last. That once on the dole, you would be a slave to the government, who might start to maybe think about beginning you some money in approximately 7 months time. That once you were recieving money from them, if they saw fit to arrange for your employment at a Siberian, er, husky farm, then you would damned well take that job, or be flayed to death. But in the event I turned up and a nice helpful woman named Marina (who was not a mermaid. Nor were there any boats tied up to her) wrote some things down and basically said "sweet, money in the next couple of days, see you in 2 months if you haven't got a job by then, oh, and you should probably move to Wellington". So that was nice.

So essentially there's not a lot to be blogging on about in the last couple of weeks. It's been hanging out at Vertigo and playing Fallout 2 (I had forgotten how dodgy that game is - my character keeps pimping herself, and in one now discarded save I acqired a lesbian wife and then sold her into slavery) and the odd bit of Masters of Orion 2 with Nic, reading books, playing a lot of Tekken 4 vs. Fi who is getting reasonably good, and bludging off everyone nearby really. Which I apologise for, this should now stop, what with me starting to bludge off the government. I have what I believe is a reasonably accurate list in my head of people I owe small sums of money to, so if you think you are one of them, contact me - or at least try to anyway, for I shall be on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean with your 5 dollars.

And now to take up some more space, in no particular order, Ben's top 10 most-used-in-real-life movie quotes. For no reason other than I was thinking of a few on the walk home today, and sometimes people seem to fail to recognise them when I use them and look at me funny. Philistines. If you want relevance, I can cite that movie quote quiz that Claire linked to not so long ago, but that's all I got. Oh, I was playing with the movie list today, now up to 1063, and thinking I've seen a lot of films, so here's what I've got out of them. But that's all.

1. "Punch it, Bishop!" - Ripley in Aliens.

- Useful at red lights, operating the toaster, for telling people to put the stereo on, to hurry up, etc.

2. "Man, I don't even have an opinion." - Marvin in Pulp Fiction, shortly before he is accidentally shot in the head.

- Because so often, I don't. Of greatest use in answering the question "so what should we do now / this evening / this weekend?"

3. "Stay on target...stay on target!" - Pops in Star Wars.

- This line is great. This part of the movie is great. The delivery of the line is great. Therefore I just say this out loud every so often. Yes, I am a big geek. But it does have its practical applications, especially when anyone is freaking out about anything, or has forgotten about what they are supposed to be doing.

4. "Why? Whyyyyyyyy?! I just came to dance!" - Weird guy in Spy Hard.

- This definitely falls into the category of getting weird looks. This is probably because me and only about 7 other people have seen Spy Hard, which may be the worst Leslie Nielsen movie there is (and that's saying something). But the one funny thing about it is this random guy in a t-shirt that says 'I love to dance' or something similar who relates to absolutely nothing else in the movie, but keeps showing up and getting hit at random by spear guns and piles of bricks and things that have gone astray, at which point he says "Why? Whyyyyyyyy?! I just came to dance!" and all the main characters stop whatever they're doing for a second and look at him strangely, and then carry on. This is hilarious and you know it. Shut up, you do. Ah, just rent the movie. No, don't. But anyway, it's the perfect thing to say when anything bad happens to you, especially at random.

5. "Red group, gold group, all fighters follow me!" - Lando in Return of the Jedi.

- Another cool part of the film, another cool line, more Star Wars - but is anyone really that surprised? Good when you're leaving to go somewhere, or conducting some kind of tricky manouver. (Although better still for that is: "Cut to the left, I'll take the leader") People actually following you is not a prerequisite.

6. "Nice one bruvva! Nice one bruvvvvva! I said nice one bruvvVAAA!!" etc. - Jip and Koop down the phone to each other in Human Traffic.

- Excellent all purpose commendation, highly usable because everyone loves a Cockney accent...which sort of leads into:

7. "Chiiiiill, Win-stun!" - Willie? to Winston in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

- OK, so he actually says it in a Jamaican accent, but that makes it funny. This movie is full of quotable dialogue but this is I think the most re-usable line (although I also find myself saying things like " I don't care 'oo you get, as long as they're not complete muppets" every so often as well.), perfect for telling even people not named Winston to relax a bit. Although people not named Winston who haven't seen the film may again give you one of those funny looks.

8. "Paper! Paaaaper! Have ya ever seeeen paper?" etc. - Mad drifting Irish guy in Waterworld.

- I'm fully prepared to concede that this one is just weird. What can I say, Tim and I are weird. So naturally either or both of us have to launch into an impression of this guy whenever anybody mentions paper, in any capacity, as in 'we need some paper' or 'pass me the paper'. I don't know why, we obviously seem to find it amusing. The other one from Waterworld is the crew guy in the tanker who rans around manically going "FIND him! FIND him!" when looking for Kevin Costner, in a I've-got-one-line-in-this-movie-and-I'm gonna-make-the-most-of-it ('You Rebel scum!') kind of way, which you can use if you're looking something, but that's all about delivery, so you can't do it if you haven't seen the film - and those who have seen it don't seem to recognise it - but then they're REALLY confused by the whole 'Paper! Paaaaaaper!' thing. Hehe, I'm giggling right now.

9. "Destroy the beast, find the child!" - General Kael in Willow.

- This quote is excellent for many reasons. Firstly, it's great to use when you have any multi-faceted task to do. If someone asks what you have left to do to finish dinner, you can yell that you just have to 'Destroy the beast, find the child!'. Secondly, the line, when taken as a set of instructions, is so nonchalantly delivered. General Kael is such a bastard, he just expects his men to 'destroy the beast, find the child' - there's this huge 2 headed fire breathing monster setting them alight everywhere, and he's sort of "Destroy the beast, find the child - I'll be in my trailer, wake me when the beast is dead and the child is found." So you can use it to make light of monumental tasks. And lastly, half the time I go to say it, I accidentally start saying "Find the beast, destroy the child!" which is funny. Because the beast is kind of self-evident in the scene, you see. Oh shut up.

Did you know the character of the evil and merciless General Kael was supposedly named after famous film critic Pauline Kael in response to her criticism of the Star Wars films? Well, he was (supposedly). So there.

10. "Get in the back of the van!" - Incensed policeman in Withnail and I.

- A popular favourite since Xanadu days, brought to us by Tim, and useful for telling people to get in the back of your van, car, horse-drawn buggy, or anything else really. Just useful for telling people to get somewhere, in fact.

And I'm sure there are more I'm not thinking of, which no doubt I will be reminded of. I could start on useful TV quotes next, but The Simpsons alone would be a long, long list.

And now off to one of those rehearsals I was talking about.